I Can't, I Don't, I'm Not

Negative thinking has ruled my life. Ruled it. God has shown me this past year how much it has ruled it-and it's not pretty.

I want to wake up positive and ready to face the day. Instead I wake up thinking "I don't feel good. I don't want to go to work". I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and with who I am. Instead I think "I'm not as good, pretty, successful, ______________ as she is".


I know those voices don't come from God. No way would He ever talk to me like that. He loves me, accepts me, made me like He wanted me to be. I know who the voices come from-Satan, "the father of lies". And I know I'm foolish to listen to a liar. But when I'm sick, or tired, or too busy to spend time with God, I fall back into my old bad habit of listening to those lies; and even worse, believing them. That's just wrong.

With God's help, I'm getting better. He's teaching me to capture those thoughts as soon as I have them-not to dwell on them-and replace them with His truth. Some things that help me:

*Keeping a gratitude journal of reasons to praise God. Listening to praise music can help get into the right mind set.

*Finding a Bible verse that refutes the lie. I write them on index cards so I can refer to them when I need to.
For example: "It's dreary today. I don't have any energy." is replaced by "This is the day which the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it", Psalm 118:24. AKJV

*Making a list of positive affirmations to say each morning.
 For example: Today I'm going to believe God loves me with an everlasting love.

*Making refuse and choose statements.( From "Taking Every Thought Captive" by Alaine Pakkala )
For example: I refuse all discouragement and choose to hope in the God of all hope.

The only pathway to true contentment is from the inside out-not from the outside in. Our success or failure in life will be determined by how we think-not by what we have,. It's the battle raging between our ears. What you think and the way you think will determine the quality of your life. (From "The Power to Change Today" by Gregory Dickow.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ", II Corinthians 10:5. NIV

The Rock

When the rain rages
and rain pellets come stinging
like arrows to my heart,
I hide under The Rock and am safe.

When my ankle turns
and I roll head first off the path,
lost and wounded,
I look for The Rock and stay focused.

                            When the pit grabs hold
                            and sucks me quickly under,
                            taking my breath away,
                            I grasp for The Rock and stay alive.

                            I've based my hope upon the Rock,
                            built my life,
                            stood my ground,
                            stayed my soul.

                            He has been my sanctuary,
                            my shelter,
                            my Savior,
                            and my strong foundation.     

Grace Did It

Grace

amazing grace

formed me

forgave me

filled me

pulled me out of the pit

steadied me on the rock

led me along the path

healed me from the hurt

and when I least expected it

slipped a dose of love

into my joyless heart

completing me

making me whole

Grace

amazing grace

That Kind Of Trust

A majority of the difficulties in my life I can trace back to a lack of trust.

I didn't trust life.                                        I didn't trust myself.

                            I didn't trust people.

I didn't trust God.                                     I didn't trust trust.


What is trust? Brennan Manning in his book "Ruthless Trust" says trust is belief plus hope. An AA slogan says "Let go and Let God". The Bible says "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen", Hebrews 11:1. AKJV

I know lack of trust has kept me from having peace of mind and has kept me desperately seeking that peace.
As I have come to realize that the abuse was not my fault- that I was not a bad person but a little girl that something bad happened to- then I have been able to believe that God loves me. And when I believe He loves me, I can trust Him.

It's hard to trust when difficulties pop up unexpected in life and when God appears to be dormant. But I think the kind of trust God wants us to have is a trust that doesn't waver when life doesn't make sense, when nothing is fair, when it doesn't look like God is working in our problem; a trust that holds firm regardless of the situation. That is real, pure, Biblical trust. I want it. I need it.

I'm getting better. I am trusting more as I look back on my life and see that God has never once failed me. I'm able to let go a little more of that control and surrender instead to Him.

 "Something is afoot in the universe; Someone filled with transcendent brightness, wisdom, ingenuity, and power and goodness is about. In the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, somewhere deep down a Voice whispers, "All is well, and all will be well." Brennan Manning in "Ruthless Trust"

My Defensive Team

My hubby played college football back in the day. I've never been an athlete but I fielded a pretty strong defensive line back in my day.
I recruited so many defense mechanisms when I was a child in order to survive the guilt and shame: suppressing my feelings, numbing the pain, denial, repression, putting walls around me, isolating. I guess I needed to do those things at the time in order to survive the abuse. But it's been so hard as an adult  to overcome my "defects of character" that the defense
mechanisms have turned into.

I know I can't overcome them by myself. They're too firmly ingrained in my psyche. But God can. In Celebrate Recovery (a wonderful step program for Christians that is found in many churches today), the 5th step says "Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects".

I pray daily that God will remove my "defects of character" and transform me into the woman He created me to be. I never got there, but I will, with God's help. Surely, steadily, and slower than I would like, He is changing me within. I praise God because He has never given up on me. "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus", Phillipians 1:6. NIV

Like A Sunbeam

Like a sunbeam
slips
through the window
and spills
onto
the cool tile floor,
flooding the room
                                     with warmth and light,
                                     Jesus' presence
                                     slips
                                     into my silence
                                     and fills
                                     the muted void
                                     with peace
                                     and serenity.
                                     Taking a cue
                                     from my dog,
                                     I curl
                                     into
                                     a contented ball
                                     and bask
                                     in the glow
                                     of Jesus'
                                     loving kindness,
                                     satisfied
                                     in this flawless
                                     moment.

Fear Of The Big Ones

There was a 4.7 earthquake in my state last night. I felt my windows rattle and I live four hours away from where it originated. Scary stuff! Fear has been a big issue with me for as long as I can remember.

I have been so afraid-of people, of not belonging, of life, of taking risks, of calamities happening to people I love. I've been afraid merely of being noticed or being talked about or being paid attention to. My fears have been big, irrational, paralyzing, consuming. I know. It's crazy. And it's an awful way to live.

Mostly my fears have been unfounded. When I went through a 12-step program in Alanon, my sponsor asked me to make a list of all the things I could remember in my life that I was afraid would happen, then to look over the list and see how many had actually happened. Only a very small fraction had ever happened.

I know it's not healthy to be so fearful, and it's related to my trust issues. If I really believed God loved me and wanted only the best for me and He wasn't out to punish me because I was bad, then I would not be so fearful.

In fact, my life experiences have proven that God is loving and that He wants the best for me and that He is worthy of my trust. Even the bad things that have happened, He has turned around for good. And that is what I need to remember and think upon and not let the fearful thoughts grab hold of me.

Because of God, I have no reason to fear. "Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior",
Isaiah 43:1-3 NLT